I find myself anxious. The surgery date has been set for January 9th. This is the first tangible plan where all parties (me, Jim, surgeons) are all on the same page.
If you do not want a description of what is going to be done, you may want to hit the x in the upper right hand corner. There is no ungraphic way to explain this. Shoo fly….last chance.
I will be having what is called a “Traditional Bilateral Mastectomy, Multiple Stage Reconstruction with Implants”. Which is HILARIOUS! I have never thought implants are attractive, unless you can’t tell you have them. 90% of the time, a lot of women have what look like fat bagels bolted to their chest.
This procedure, in a nutshell:
My nipples will be removed, and ALL of the breast tissue will come out. We are talking all the way to the chest wall. The nips and tissue will be sent to pathology. I am hoping they will do pathology while I am on the table, because those results are the key to my future treatments. After the tissue and nips are gone, a silicone bag is inserted and filled with about 150 cc of saline. Over the course of of weeks/months, the expander’s will be filled slowly to the proportionate size. After the right size is achieved, I will get permanent implants with nip reconstruction. DIG THIS: my reconstructive surgeon is going to build me new nips, then the areola will be TATTOOED. Cool, but freaky at the same time.
Depending on the pathology of the tissue within, I will then have radiation or chemotherapy or both or by the grace of God – the margins would be so clean that NEITHER would be needed. I think the last one is a long shot, but we shall see.
I was telling my friend Tanya about the situation and my disdain for implanted breasts, to which she replied “Karma is a cold, twisted, little bitch”. But, if I want breasts, I have to go this route. There are other options, where they would use my tissue, but, I am not a viable candidate. I just can’t picture the rest of my life without boobs.
There are a lot of pros and cons to weigh, and I find myself wanting to push the surgery back, to never. I can try to list them:
PRO: taking the cancer out. If the margins are super clean (healthy edges to cancer edges), I may just get away with radiation.
CON: Where do I begin? Healing time, time off of work (the bulk of which, I won’t get paid for), the repeat visits from doctor to doctor to doctor, the pain, and I know there will be arguments with surgeons about returning to work. I want/need to get back to work as soon as possible (Let me clarify, I am the only person who is pushing myself to go back ASAP, Jim and the people I work for are pushing for me to heal properly). The toll this will take on my family. I feel for my husband, who will have to helm the entire ship right after surgery, because from what I can understand, you can’t do a damn thing. If I push the surgery back, it will give The Interloper more time invade, but, if I don’t push it back, I will have less paid time off. This list could go on…but I’ll stop here.
So, my feelings are twisting in the wind. One moment, I am ready to be Cancer Warrior Woman and kick The Interlopers ass. The next minute I am ready to throw in the towel. On to the next minute where I am just scared. Most of all, I am afraid how this affects people I know and love. I really don’t want anyone to be sad. Yes, a diagnosis of cancer is not a reason to have a party, but right now, at this moment, I don’t feel like I have cancer at all. I don’t feel sick.
So, friends, family, acquaintances, I appreciate your love, prayers and thoughts. I need all of you to help me win this battle, so please keep them coming.
NOW – lets end this on a positive note.
This past weekend was the BEST!WEEKEND!EVER! Jim not only threw me a surprise birthday party, but he also managed to get my heterosexual life mate Sandy here AND my love, my heart, my son Jimmy here. Antics, shenanigans, and fun were had by all. I want to thank Mesa Tri City #3468 for hosting the soiree, that just seemed to continue night after night. I want to also thank everyone for keeping the secret, I really needed it. Lastly, I can not even express how much I appreciate the waves of love and caring I received. A lot of you don’t know it, but you have left an indelible mark on my heart, and I love ya’s for it.
Then my husband and son did this:
How freaking awesome is that?!?!!? I will be getting one, but instead of a “J”, it will say “for all”. Love them boys…
Until we meet again….