It’s been a hell of a day

I have been on a roller coaster today.  I can’t figure out how to feel about the interloper. 

I get mad, because before I was diagnosed, things were on an upward momentum.  I was taking control, I had a plan to carry me into the new year.

Then I get sad, because I do not want this interloper.  I don’t want to have surgery or radiation.  Shooting radiation to kill the fucker is not what I want.  It will take time away from my family, work – I DON’T WANT TO. 

This is the hardest part, the part that makes me fall apart just at the thought, is Maegan watching me go through this.  I still have nightmares about my mother (she had a lot more, complicated cancers, cancer was going to kill her from diagnosis, but that isn’t the case with me, I digress) going through treatments.  It was a nightmare.  True, she had chemo, which isn’t in my cards right now.  What kills me is how helpless I was to help her feel better at all.  That guilt still nags me to this day, 23 years later.  Maegan tries to take care of me now, so loving.  I don’t even know how to tell her I have cancer, but I know I can’t do it alone.  She will be only 7 in nine days.

Enough whining already.

Step two is tomorrow.  I managed to get an MRI scheduled at 1:45 on Friday.

More tomorrow….

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2 thoughts on “It’s been a hell of a day

  1. Thinking about you today. Sorry to hear about your struggles. I know from working in a doctors office that it can be so overwhelming with doctor appointments, specialist appointments, MRI's, treatment and all the other things that come with a cancer diagnosis. I would like you to look up a book by John Piper….think its called not wasting your cancer. I know it sounds a little crazy, but it is a good read and its real. Wishing I was there to give you a big ol' hug and help you through this. Don't loose hope, if they are finding this early that is great news. The fact that there is no family history of breast cancer is also great news. There will be ups and downs (as with everything in life) you just need to make a point to always look for the good – your mental health is just as important as your physical health. In January they found cancer cells on my cervix and I had surgery to shave back the lining of my cervix. Went for my 6 month check and everything looked great. Last week found out I am pregnant!!! OMG!!! Due in mid-late June!!! If there is anything you need, or just someone to listen, I am always here. You can call anytime 815-584-7591. Love you and praying for the very best doctors to have a plan of treatment that gets you cancer free in no time!!!! Love you!!!

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